Yesterday we met, and within 5 minutes of seeing your child in his beginner gymnastics class, it was pretty clear to me that you were most likely raising a child with ADHD. You see, having grown up with ADHD and having raised a child with ADHD, sometimes I can spot the like-minded behaviors in others. I watched as your child struggle to sit still, because it was unbearably tempting to spin around on his bottom and look at the 5,000 other things going around him in the busy gymnasium. When you called out his name to try to catch his attention only to scold him when he looked up for approval, I understood how you felt. He’s not like the other kids, and it’s really, really hard sometimes to be the parent of the kid that’s not like the other kids.
It’s really hard to be the parent of a kid that’s not like the other kids.
Sure enough, when I turned to you and commented on how cute he looked as he practiced his somersaults, you immediately shared that he has ADHD. I was actually secretly relieved that you already knew. This to me meant you were already working with him to help him understand all the intricacies and amazingness that makes up his little ADHD brain, while teaching him how to control it. When I shared with you that I too had raised a child with ADHD, I loved that another mom chimed in with “ME too!” and in that moment three strangers were all connected through a journey that others wouldn’t understand.
“Have you tried putting him martial arts?” the other mom asked.
“No, I would never teach my son to hit anyone.” you replied. (*queue internal groan*)
“Oh, I see. Well, we couldn’t find a medication that fit well with our son, and martial arts actually turned out to be something that helped him!” she shared.
Then you exclaimed, “Oh, I would NEVER give my child medication!”
Never? I wondered if I should chime in with how our son benefited from medication, or how I benefit from medication. But before I could, you continued, “It’s basically giving your child meth. You can’t give an already active kid meth! You’re basically just giving them a bottle of drugs and telling them to go sell it on the streets!”
… *sigh*… This is when I knew that you had already made up your mind, and decided to step out of the conversation. I wasn’t offended. I was completely heartbroken for you and your son. You see, it isn’t the decision to medicate or not medicate that upsets me. It’s the unwillingness to keep an open mind while your son is the one living out all the consequences of your decisions. It’s that you put your son in an environment filled with 5,000 things to distract him, completely unarmed, and proceeded to scold him from the bleachers for doing exactly what he was wired to do, for something that he has little to no control over. Would you send your kid blindfolded through an obstacle course and holler at him from the sidelines as he falls over? Of course not… because why would you make things harder for your child than they need to be?
Medication is not the answer.
As the other mom stated, sometimes medication isn’t the answer. In fact, I’ll tell you right now that medication, on its own, is never the answer. But sometimes, medication can be a very vital part of the answer. Some children with ADHD need medication to even the playing field. Some adults with ADHD need medication to reach their full potential. It’s a very useful tool that’s available for those who need it.
There are a lot of stereotypes surrounding parents and children that need and use medication for ADHD, which I’ll be addressing in another post. But to the mom who refuses to medicate her ADHD child; if you’re reading this, I want you to know there is another side to the story that you haven’t been told.
There’s the side of the story where your second grader comes home from school after his very first day on medication WITHOUT extra homework and without missing recess to work on school work (that he couldn’t finish in class like the other kids) beaming with pride. There’s the story where you see your child who struggled with self-esteem issues begins to find his confidence. There’s the story where your child who used to think he was stupid now sees that he’s smart. There’s the story where you see what your child is capable of when he funnels all of his creative energy into one place and blows you away. There’s the story where your child can actually SHOW you how he wanted to behave all along and how badly he wants to please you. There’s the side of the story of hope.
I just ask that you keep your mind open, and recognize that sometimes this whole parenthood thing is just trial and error… and that’s OK. Just as long as we’re willing to try.