I read Stephen Covey’s “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” right after graduating college (which feels like a century ago!) It came highly recommended by a mentor of mine: “You must read this and develop the habits within in order to have a much easier path to success,” she said. It wasn’t until I progressed into my career and life, however, that I realized being effective is not nearly as important as being happy. “Effective” falls short of what we truly crave – true happiness and fulfillment!
As someone with resting bliss face (the opposite of “resting bitch face”), I naturally flash a smile and am quick to break into laughter. People see me as a joyful person, always cracking jokes and constantly showing off those pearly whites (or not… depending on my coffee intake for the day). While this mask remained effective in all outside appearances, what most people don’t realize is how I’ve internally struggled so fiercely to be just “OK”, let alone “happy”.
If you’re in that place right now, I just want you to know that it gets so much better. For me, the path to happiness involved a lot of guidance from my shrink, some prescription drugs along the way (hello), and oh… developing some new highly effective happy habits in my life. Here are the habits that I found to be most effective for building true happiness, and for thriving, not just surviving:
1. Have a higher power.
I don’t care if you’re an atheist; it is a fundamental human need to feel like a part of something bigger. If you don’t believe in God, perhaps you can see the mystery and power in nature, or the universe.
Just find something to believe in that is bigger and much more powerful than your own measly self… After all, us humans still haven’t figured much of anything out yet – even how our own brains work! So, it’s inherently hopeful (and useful) to believe that there is someone or something out there that is all-knowing and has a bigger plan than we can even fathom. PRO TIP: Don’t wait until something tragic happens (i.e. the death of a loved one) to develop your beliefs in this arena. If you give some thought and decide what belief(s) work for you when things are going ok, you will have something bigger to fall back on (and plead with/pray to) when the shit hits the fan.
2. Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.
Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and every other social media platform out there features “highlight reels” of people’s lives. It’s easy to believe that people’s true lives are just those happy, smiling pictures of themselves with their friends and family… traveling, laughing, smiling and always looking great. The truth is, most people don’t post about their lonely single lives (ahem! I’m one of them!), their stale marriages (sadly, this is all too common), the fact that sometimes they want to wring their kids’ necks (often times, right before that cute, smiling, family pic on their Instagram), their miserable (or non-existent) sex lives, their chronic indigestion, or any other unflattering or potentially embarrassing real-life issues. And, even if you’re comparing your own life experience with the apparent experiences you witness in other people’s “real life”, there is really no way for you to know what is really going on in those people’s minds. Bottom line: Nobody really knows what’s going on inside someone’s mind except that person (and perhaps their higher power). So, if you want to be happy, know that you simply don’t know what is going on with other people’s lives, and take comfort in knowing that, almost always, the struggles you’re having are extremely common… even if people don’t talk about them in public or online.
3. Give thanks or give it up.
Even in our darkest hours, there is always something we have to be thankful for: We are still breathing; the sun will rise again tomorrow and we’ll have another fresh chance to try again. A habit of gratitude does more than just train your mind to be thankful for what you do have: According to studies gathered in this Psychology Today article, gratitude improves sleep, reduces depression while increasing happiness (yippee!), increases mental fortitude, and even helps facilitate new friendships. For at least 21 days — the minimum amount of time it takes for our brains to develop a new habit— try writing a list of three to five things each and every day that you’re thankful for at least 21 days. Some days, you’ll notice that there are some pretty “big” things: an unexpected bonus at work, a visit from a beloved friend… and other days, you’ll have to reach just to find something you can genuinely say you’re grateful for, i.e. “The dog didn’t poop on the rug today.” Either way, once you train your mind to focus on what’s good, you’ll start to notice more good overall. What we focus on grows!To this point, if there is something that you notice is a constant headache or pain point for you, this habit will bring that to the surface, as when we focus on what’s good, the things that are not-so-good will naturally come to mind. Use these things that come up as an opportunity – We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge… Which leads me to the next habit:
4. Take ownership of your life (and your happiness).
We are responsible for the quality of our own experiences. Regardless of social status, financial situation, health, marital status, or other factors, happiness is a choice. The proof? Studies surveying the happiest people on the planet are from very disparate backgrounds and social/financial status. This article from Scienceline.org explores why some people living in extreme poverty report their overall life happiness (satisfaction with their life) as being much higher than some who are living in luxury and privilege: Our overall life satisfaction depends on how we choose to look at our lives compared to our individual standards of what a “good, satisfying” life is to us. The sooner we take ownership of our lives and give up what brings us down (even if it’s a friendship or a spouse!), the sooner we can be free to experience the happiness that a life of our own design can bring.
5. Take nothing personally.
This is a tough one, but one of the most powerful and truthful habits. From an early age, we were teased by kids at school because of our looks or our abilities, inabilities or even our disabilities. Kids can be mean. And, at a young age, we don’t have the tools to brush off what our schoolmates say. We take it personally and internalize that something is wrong with us. But as adults, we get to choose what we take in and what we react to. Here’s a cool fact: Most things that people criticize us about are actually things they don’t want to look at in themselves. That’s right! My therapist always says, “When someone is pointing the finger at you, how many fingers are pointing back at them?” How many times have you been triggered by someone who does something, only to eventually realize that you have the same annoying habit??! I used to get so irritated when someone would interrupt me when I was talking, only to realize over time that I am constantly guilty of doing the same! When people do or say things, since we can’t truly know what’s going on inside their heads, we simply don’t know why they are doing or saying what they do. I once got dumped without warning by a guy I really liked. For the longest time, I wondered (read: drove myself miserable) what I did wrong or what I did to “make him” leave. Then, one day, I found out he was actually married (he neglected to tell me that when we were dating) and that his wife had given him an ultimatum he couldn’t refuse that made him disappear from my life and cut ties with me in an instant. Once I found out he was a) MARRIED and b) dishonest with me – and her – the “loss” felt more like a gift. I had wasted all of that energy wondering what was wrong with me when his decision actually had little or nothing to do with me at all! I think you get my drift here…
6. Mean what you say and say what you mean.
For those of you that have read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, you might have caught on that these last two habits are a direct reference to that book. One of the four agreements is “Be impeccable with your word”. It is basically a testimony to the power of integrity and honor. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say something, be sure you mean it. And above all, be kind. These are easier said than done. Basically, if you learn to communicate respectfully, clearly and powerfully, you’ll have richer relationships, have a better shot at getting what you want, and you’ll have far more allies than those who aren’t authentic or are careless (or hurtful) with their words.
7. Do your best, dammit!
I almost called this last habit “Don’t do anything half-assed”. Basically, if you do something, whether it’s having a conversation with a friend or training to compete in a sport, do your absolute best in that moment. When you know you did your best in each moment, you’ll avoid having regrets. And when we know we did our best and look back with no regrets, we get two things: The best results we could possibly get at that time (fulfillment) and an experience that you can enjoy when you look back on it because you have no regrets. Granted, our best will fluctuate: When we’re sick, our best won’t be as good as when we’re at our peak health and energy. What matters is that you know you did your best in that situation given the resources, tools and knowledge you had at the time.HINT: A shortcut to always doing your best is to be where you are… All too often, we are physically there, but we aren’t present – our minds are somewhere else. If you ground yourself in each situation by noticing your breath and having the intention of “be here, now”, you’ll find that you’ll produce better results for the task at hand, have richer quality time with those you spend time with, and you’ll enjoy each experience much more without the internal chatter distracting your attention from each moment. When you first practice presence, you’ll notice that your mind will wander often and you’ll have to come back to your breath and remind yourself to “be here, now”… but once this becomes a habit, your presence will automatically ensure that you do (and that you be) your best in every moment. For helpful tips on how to be more present, see the tips offered by North Scale here.